Surrendering the “would have beens”

This would have been my favorite week of the year.

It would have been Leadership Week. The week when our resident assistants and dorm officers arrive before the school year begins. We would have blended fun and team building and personal growth and spiritual awareness into training with other campus student-leaders.

By now, we would be the best combination of exhausted and excited. We would have thought through goals: for ourselves, our team and Thomson Hall. We would have considered our micro-culture of dorm life and how we could positively shape it. We would have had brainstorming sessions where words like warmth, home, vulnerability, Christ-centered and discipleship would have been frequently heard.

We would have had over-the-top-milkshakes for dinner, pancake breakfasts, taco bar (of course) and charcuterie. They would have read what would equate to three chapters worth of messages from me, with lots of bullet points, emoji, encouragement and action items.

By now, half of us would have shared our testimonies – reminding our sisters of our amazing God and how He is writing our stories. We would have learned new things about our teammates, and about ourselves, and about how God made us unique on purpose – and how we’re all better because of our differences, not in spite of them.

We would have gotten carried away on rediculous rabbit trails in meetings and then reigned back in to accomplish our goals. We would have prayed much—for each other, for our newest Thomson girls, returning friends, other leadership teams, professors, employees.

By now our brains would be spinning, bodies would be exhausted, and profile pictures would all feature blue skies and sunflowers.

We would be excited, hopeful, ready to jump into training with the deans, resident directors and student-leaders. We would be set to sleep well knowing we were right where God wanted us—part of this team, ready to welcome others, create our home and keep pointing one another to Jesus.

We would have finished testimony time, and I would look at my girls—so proud of these amazing people God allowed me to do life with this year. I would remind them that sleep is a good thing, and then I’d look at my lists and agendas and schedules and see where we needed to be during the day ahead.

But instead of running our dishwasher for the fourth time today, cleaning up our taco crumbs and late-night snacks as I consider tomorrow’s agenda, I’m still.

The steady hum of the air conditioner and clack of the laptop keys is the most vibrant sound. No thuds of bunk bed assembly and mini-fridges moving that could be mistaken for mini-earthquakes. No shifting of furniture into cozy spaces that would be home for the coming months. No laughter and music heard through the walls. No knocks on the door for hugs goodnight or extra toothbrushes or one-on-one talks to help navigate whatever the summer brought.

It’s quiet.
My mind isn’t.

This week would have been different. I’ve felt this way before. Humans do when expectations change. When there’s a loss, when you can see the dull shadows of what would have been against the vibrant backdrop of reality.

The feeling only comes when the loss is deep. When the “would have been” meant something significant.

If the “would have been” didn’t matter, our busy minds and schedules would just let it float on by, or maybe pass with a slight nod at remembering whatever we thought would be—that isn’t.

This is the first in many upcoming “would have been” moments.

• Writing names in chalk on the sidewalk on bright sunny days, playing music and meeting new faces who would quickly become the newest Thomson sisters to “our” girls, and the newest “big sisters” to our kids.
• Plugging in an extravagant amount of crockpots, smoking pork overnight and having our resident creatives use Sharpies to draw in the crowds at Homecoming.
• Thursday night leadership team meetings—with productivity and encouragement between all the snacks and rabbit trails and laughter.
• The athletic games, choir concerts, chapels, rose and chocolate sales, Bible studies, prayer walks.
• Commencement.

It would have been beautiful. And hard and stressful. And memorable, life-shaping, character-growing, tear-stained, grace-filled, messy beautiful. Like the last six years we’ve had the privilege to do this.

It would have been. But it’s not.

Since I’ve walked through other “would have beens,” I know where my weak points are. Sometimes I get tempted to change the “would have been” to “should have been” or even “supposed to be.” That’s when I forget who I am. And who God is.

This would have been, no SHOULD have been, Leadership Week—if I got to decide. If my plans and expectations were fulfilled. If I knew what was truly best. If I were in authority, in control.

I’m not. God is. And that makes all the difference.

When my mind wanders to envision what it thinks today should be, I could buy into the lie that my plans were better. That we are forgotten or wronged or hurt or less than because this reality doesn’t live up to what I imagined.

But, I need to speak truth: God is good. God is sovereign.

Ironically, these two statements are truths that historically have made frequent appearances during Leadership Week.

This situation which has turned life upside down is very specific, but unmet expectations, changed plans and unexpected challenges aren’t unique to us. Teachers in Leadership Week knew this, which is why we were constantly reminded: God is good. God is sovereign.

No matter what circumstance come, we’re tempted to forget these most basic, perspective-altering truths. God is good. God is sovereign. 

The circumstance, the expectation, my very limited knowledge of what is best? That’s nothing compared to the limitless knowledge, unparalleled power and unfailing love of our God.

At CSU, the goal of Leadership Week—and of the entire collegiate experience—was never just to prepare students only for the year ahead or for the job in the future. It was to prepare Christ-followers for life. And life carries a lot of “would have been” moments. That’s why it’s essential to repeat: God is good. God is sovereign. Two short sentences: foundational to navigating a life filled with changes in plans, circumstances out of our control and “would have beens.”

So, instead of getting stuck in what this week “would have been” I can think about the last six years of Leadership Weeks. The people in them who taught me so much. Co-workers with wisdom and encouragement and skills that complemented one another. The girls who were instrumental in helping me grow, even though I had been planning to aid in their growth. The late nights, the deep conversations, the hard and the beautiful.

I’m grateful. It’s all a been a gift.

And today is still a gift. Not the “would have been” version, but the present reality.

I reflect on the “would have been,” and offer it up with open hands. Today would have been beautiful as Leadership Week. It could have been, but it is not. It wasn’t supposed to be. Not my plan, but God’s. Not the “would have” of a limited perspective. The steady, caring plan of the Perfect One. The all-knowing, all-powerful God who loves us individually well. It’s still beautiful, even though it’s a different picture than I painted in my mind.

Instead of getting stuck in a “should have been” arrogance that only leads to doubt and discouragement, “This I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: the steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

If today is exactly how God wanted it to be, the mercies are here, new. His love and faithfulness remain. They are exactly what His children need in this present moment.

I could choose to spiral and stick in the “should have been.”

Or I could mourn the loss of a great gift, and then, I could open my heart and hands in gratitude for the gifts He still gives—today, not in what “would have been” Leadership Week, but in what IS – His good and perfect gifts still coming in full-fledged reality to each of us today.

Each Leadership Week, we set goals for the year ahead. Mine is this: Treasure every “would have been” as a reminder of the good gifts God gave. Then, in humble submission to His will, look for the gifts He still gives in the present. Don’t miss them. And praise Him for His constant goodness and sovereignty in today’s reality.

To all of my Thomson girls, I love you. You’re prepared for this: a good and sovereign God goes with you.

(And whether you realized it or not, Leadership Team, you’ve picked a theme for this year…more to come!) 🙂